The Purification
by sycce
Summary: "Because right at that instant she somehow made me feel like my curse was lifted. Suddenly, everything that was screaming in me before grew silent - fell asleep. And for once I could only hear my own heartbeat, my own breath." A forgotten past will be revelead. Love will grow or perish. True friends will stay or leave forever. on break
1. Prologue

_disclaimer: Sykrim belongs to Bethesda. I only own the idea of my own character._

~prologue~

She had been watching the snowflakes sailing down around her. Her breath came out in little puffs, the temperature being low in late Frostfall. But the coldness didn't seem to bother her. Actually, she didn't look like she gave a shit about anything around her. She just stood there under the Gildergreen gazing up at the two moons and the snow.

My ears began to grow cold, I hadn't bothered to wear a hood. I wanted to feel the numbness, the pain of it and the feeling of warming them up by the fire afterwards. For when I turned into the beast I felt no pain and no bliss – just numbness and the ever constant hunger for fresh blood. I wondered if Farkas sometimes felt the same way, but I doubted it. He enjoyed the hunting nearly as much as Aela and Skjar. They mistook it as a blessing, not a curse.

Unlike me.

So when I watched her pull down the hood of her cloak I forgot how to breathe. I remember that moment very clearly, even after all these years. Because right at that instant she somehow made me feel like my curse was lifted. Suddenly, everything that was screaming in me before grew silent - fell asleep. And for once I could only hear my own heartbeat, my own breath.

Then she turned in my direction and smiled at me. And it seemed as though she'd knew what just happened. Only when I heard Farkas approach did I realize she'd disappeared already.

But the feeling of a blessing still lingered.


	2. Chapter One

~better than dragons~

As the evening began to make its entry, she finally reached Whiterun. The rooftops of the Cloud District glistened in the setting sun and in the far east the two moons were already visible. It was a sight she'd never get enough of. She felt as if the city itself welcomed her back home, greeted her with open arms.

It had been her home now for more than 3 years. She started as an assistant-hunter in the Drunken Huntsman. For a year she scouted the wilds of Skyrim with Anoriath and helped him and his brother Elrindir with the store. They taught her how to use a bow and she fell in love with the art almost instantly. She'd known nothing of fighting with weapons before, as her magic was all she needed to get by. Yet she learned to appreciate the fact that she could hide her magic from outsiders. It's not like mages were hated in Skyrim – but after the events in the College of Winterhold people had been growing more suspicious of them.

Nevertheless, she wouldn't give up her talent for healing and Alteration just because someone didn't like it. And it had saved her life countless times in the past.

Her paws grew tired with every stride she took; it had been a long day. But as the new Harbinger it was her job to make sure at least Whiterun Hold stayed save. And since Aela had been missing, they were short on one person. So from time to time she took contracts to help the others out.

When she neared the stables she suddenly slowed down, putting her weight in her hindpaws to stop sharply. It was a mystery to her why he still did this. He somehow always seemed to know exactly around what time she'd return. He'd wait for her by the stables, leaning against the wall and talking to the horses. He disliked talking to most humans but with animals, it was like he turned into a completely other man.

She grinned wolfish as the idea of trying to scare him came to her mind. Not even the horses heard her as she sneaked around the stables on light paws and hid behind a barrel. So far so good. But the moment she wanted to jump in front of him, he was already right in front of her.

"Faleen. Don't you ever get tired of this? You know, I can hear your heartbeat loud and clearly. Not to mention your scent. Where the hell have you been? You smell like a rotten Falmer."

Thank the divines those creatures hadn't been on her menu today. With a loud sigh she shifted back to her human form and gladly accepted the cloak her Shield-Brother handed her. He looked away - his ears turning red - while she wrapped it around herself, shivering without her warming pelt. Frostfall was around the corner, days had been growing longer and nights getting colder.

"Close, but no Falmers. Instead our lovely eight legged friends decided to follow me for a few miles. I couldn't bear it anymore so I decided to shorten their journey.

The ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. Yet another sight she wouldn't miss for the world. Her breath hitched as he leaned forward and said: "I'm glad your back safely."

Just a few words, yet they sent a shiver down her spine nonetheless.

He cleared his throat and straitened his back; realizing what he'd just said.

She giggled. "Thank you, Vilkas." While she walked a few steps ahead she turned around and smiled at him sheepishly. "It's new ground for me too, you know. I've never felt quite this way for anybody. I'm sure you feel as nervous as I do."

"How can you say such things without even blushing?" he answered as he started to catch up with her.

She ignored his question and instead started to jog in place. "Race to the gate? First to be there gets the last honey nut treat from Tilma."

He just laughed at her. "Really? How old are you? And besides you wouldn't win against me with your tiny little legs."

Frustrated she put her hands on her hips. "Oh, really? I'll be generous and overlook your low blow. And besides, I know you haven't eaten your favourite desert in weeks. Farkas has been hoarding them for Lydia, it's all she can eat right now."

That seemed to keep his mouth shut. And in the next instant he was already sprinting past her, uphill towards the city gate.

Of course Faleen made it there first, as Vilkas was still wearing his heavy Wolf Armor. Gasping for air she leaned with her back against the sturdy wooden door. The guards were looking curiously at them, probably thinking Sheogorath had taken their minds. Faleen shrieked as Vilkas skittered to a halt before her, nearly taking her down with the impact. She ended up trapped between him and the wood, his breath hot on her face.

That's when he pressed his lips on hers. Kissing her so softly as though he thought she was the wings of a butterfly and she could break at any moment.

The guards were shifting from one foot to another and Faleen thought she heard one of them say that this was at least better than dragons.

She chuckled and whispered between their kiss. "I thought, you wanted to wait with this."

Vilkas parted slightly from her and rested his head on her shoulder. "Shut up."

Then he gave the guards his best evil look and opened the gateway for her.

He didn't wait up, giving her time to calm her throbbing heart.


	3. Chapter Two

~more than a Shield-Sister~

It was after Kodlak's funeral that we fought in a way we hadn't before. She'd become a dear friend to me while she stayed with us. I said some things to her I almost instantly regretted when I saw the hurt look in her face. I pushed her away because I needed to mourn properly. And I couldn't handle my feelings that were growing for her in those moments of grief. It was just the way I had been. I was someone who coped with things on his own. That night I didn't even talk to Farkas. I knew he actually would've needed me. But I just stood in Kodlaks study for hours, staring at the chair he sat on not days ago.

We had lost our father. All of us. It was hard on all of us. I needed to remind myself of that.

The Circle gathered in the Underforge and we discussed the problem of Kodlak's spirit not being released from the curse before he'd died. I'd almost given up hope for his last wish when Eorlund entered the tomb, a repaired Wuuthrad strapped to his back. And I couldn't believe my ears at first, as he told us about a way to help Kodlak one last time.

I knew what she'd say before she even opened her mouth. She looked at me with a firm expression. "I'll do it."

That's when I realized that I wouldn't let her go alone. Not that I didn't trust her to complete the task, she was more than capable of doing so. I just couldn't bear the thought of being without her. I imagined the battles she'd fight alone, getting hurt or worse. I worried about her. And I'd worry for the rest of my life.

"I'm coming with you."

A fleeting smile crossed her face. But she was tired, like the rest of us. I walked over to her and took her hand in mine. Aela who was standing next to us put one hand on her shoulder.

"Me too."

We looked at Farkas who was nodding in agreement.

Faleen accepted Wuuthrad from Eorlund. He wished us good luck and we set off.

Yet while we travelled to Ysgramor's Tomb I remembered the dead bodies lying around me in Driftshade Refuge. I had killed those Silver Hand members without a second thought. I did it out of revenge and it had felt good at first. But now, it was like their souls were hindering me of entering the sacred tomb without hate and regret. Regret for doing something Kodlak wouldn't have approved of.

I told her and she simply understood.

"We'll be back in a few hours."

As she passed me, my hand reached out on its own and grabbed her arm. "Please, be careful."

She rested her hand over mine. "I will."

Then they were gone and I stayed behind, pondering over what creatures she'd face. I was worried sick and only knowing that Farkas and Aela were with her eased the feeling.

When my brother came back alone, I was expecting the worst. I nearly shouted at him to explain where the others were. He was blushing, refusing to look at me.

"Just spiders."

I snorted and patted him on the shoulder. "You know, Faleen hates them almost as much as you do."

He viewed the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in all of Skyrim.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity she came back. Looking weary but healthy and, most importantly, not wounded. The stress I'd been under vanished and I felt the fatigue from the last days return in a big wave.

She'd told us about the ritual and how Kodlak named her the new Harbinger. But it wasn't big news, she'd been like a leader since the old man had left us. As soon as Farkas left to meet up with Aela in the burial chamber, my sight began to blur and I fell down on my knees.

She rushed over, knelt down and hugged me tightly.

"It's alright. I'm here."

I buried my face in her shoulder. Taking in her unique sent of earth, sweat and pines. Slowly I steadied my breathing until I was able to meet her eyes.

She leaned her forehead against mine. I whispered:

"I'm so relieved, Kodlak finally was cleansed of the curse. And I…I hope one day, I will be too."

"You will be. And I won't rest until you are. Just say the word and we'll begin with the ritual."

Her hands caressed my cheeks. She stroked my hair, slowly humming a song I somehow remembered from somewhere.

I don't know for how long we sat there, enjoying the moment of peace.

Later that evening, while Farkas and Aela went hunting, Faleen and me set up camp outside the tomb. The night was clear, the northern lights hanging above us like a curtain of rainbows.

"Faleen."

She looked up from arranging deadwood for a fire. "Yes?"

I sat down beside her.

"I like you more than a Shield-Sister."

Her eyes widened, I caught her off guard with this sort of talk. She held her breath, waiting for my next words.

"But, I'd like to wait until I'm not a beast anymore."

"Wait with what?"

She chewed her lip, looking at me innocently. She didn't realize she was driving me crazy.

Before I knew it, I was on her. Pinning her to the ground. Her lips tasted even better than I'd imagined. The kiss worked like a drug on me and I began to lose myself to the animal in me. I sucked on her lower lip and her breath hitched.

"Wait with this." I murmured.

I sank my teeth into her neck. Sucking on the sensitive skin until I drew blood.

"And this."

A painful moan escaped her.

I let go of her immediately, trying to put some distance between us in the process.

"I'm so sorry."

She touched the wounded spot and the familiar glow of a healing spell emanated from her palm.

"It's okay."

She smiled at me. But then her face grew serious as she said: "You're afraid, you'll hurt me. Aren't you?"

I nodded.

"Thank you. For worrying about me, Vilkas. I hope, I won't hurt you either."

That thought hadn't even crossed my mind yet.

Carefully she closed the space between us again, giving me a peck on my cheek.

"We'll wait."

 _AN: Dear Reader, thanks so much for reading :) I'm sorry if these chapters seem a little strange, nothing's really happening yet. But it's been a while since I last wrote a story and I just want to savour the feeling of doing that. I already have certain scenes in my mind for this fanfic, I just don't know yet how I'll get there. I believe this story is writing itself and I'm totaly fine with it. For now. If it ever gets a story. Maybe, in the end, I end up writing One Shots (smut One Shots, mind you) and that'll be okay too. ^^_


	4. Chapter Three

_AN: Why do we write?_

* * *

~the wolf in the dream~

As soon as she found herself in the same forest, the same clearing and standing exactly in the same spot, she knew: She was dreaming again. The same dream she'd been dreaming since she'd remembered everything. Or rather, since she woke up on the side of the road, wounded to death and barely breathing. She had no memory of the time before that. She'd tried many times to will herself to remember but nothing came to her mind. It felt like her past was waiting for the right moment to show up again.

And this ever returning dream, she was sure that this was a sign that the right moment was slowly nearing.

Treetops were bustling in the wind. The sound of the forest so natural to her, she was only hearing it in the distance. She looked down at herself and noticed that she was in her wolf form, her paws digging into earth and grass. Faleen shivered, her bright fur stood on end; she sensed another animal.

A mighty grey wolf appeared through the thicket, walking gracefully towards her. The sunlight caught itself in his fur, surrounding him in a shimmer, almost like a halo. And once again, she couldn't help but feel drawn to him. Like she remembered him – not from her previous dreams – but from the memories she'd lost so long ago. His voice was clear as the nights in Evening Star, so overwhelming she didn't have a chance but to listen.

"We meet once again." He came to a stop before her and sat down. Watching her with intelligent eyes.

"What is it, you want to show me?" For that was what she thought, he intended to.

He merely chuckled. Yet he wasn't as cheerful as he used to be in their former meetings. A grave look tightened his features.

"I'm not so sure of what exactly to show you. I don't know if you believe me when you see it."

A haze enveloped the clearing, creeping up on them. It meant the dream was ending. And she wouldn't get answers to her questions, again.

"I can't tell you much, for you have to revive the memories on your own. Let's just say, I came to warn you."

"Warn me from whom?"

He shook his head, starting to turn away from her.

"I think you know already. Somewhere, deep down. Your past will catch up with you. I just hope, you'll be ready, when the time comes."

In the dream, it was always then, that she wanted to scream at him, demanding him to just tell her everything. But her voice came out as something less than a whisper, lost in the now impenetrable fog. Yet his voice felt near, as if her heart itself was comprehending his words.

"For you, I am a memory but I am still alive. I will never leave you. I am the one who knows you longer than anyone else does."

That part of the dream was new. Moreover, it didn't really feel like a dream anymore, more like a vision.

By the time she woke up, his name took form in her mouth and she spoke it silently.

"Father."

She had to find that clearing. Maybe she could see him in person. That's what she thought, when she shifted comfortably in bed, waking up properly.

Vilkas lay next to her, his arm resting on her stomach. She peeked under the blanket and a toned chest greeted her sight. Actually, his whole glorious body was there. Naked.

He'd held his word; he'd waited until he'd been freed of the curse. But they were upon each other, the moment they'd returned to Jorrvaskr, had each taken a bath and were behind closed doors.

It had felt like she finally belonged. Came home. Truly. His callused hands on her body, playing her like an instrument. And she'd let it happen. All of it. Gave all of herself to him.

She didn't have any regrets.

She smiled happily as she saw how relaxed he was sleeping. No trace of the restless beast could be found on him. He looked more handsome than ever, the dirt and shadows under his eyes gone forever.

Quietly, she got up. The shirt she was wearing smelled of Vilkas and reached her knees easily. She smiled again at the thought of how now, she was able to wear his shirt all the time. Without having to ask him.

The water in the basin was cold, it helped her clear her thoughts. She took a swig from a Honningbrew Mead bottle, savoring the sweet taste on her tongue. She undressed and put on her Fur Armor, snow had been falling now nearly every day. Still, it wouldn't take long, until she didn't need it anymore. Her body was itching to shapeshift again. She could only go a few days without giving in to her animal form. It's what she truly was, after all. Being a human came second. Unlike being a wolf. If it weren't for Vilkas and the Companions, she imagined, she would've lost her human self a long time ago.

She quickly wrote a note to Vilkas, otherwise he'd worry to death. She looked at him one last time, hoping he'd understand her desire to leave.

Faleen placed a soft kiss on his forehead and brushed the dark strands of hair out of his face. If someone told her three years ago that she'd fall madly in love with this man – she would've laughed at them. There had been other man before, but not this way.

In her first year in Whiterun, while she was working in the Drunken Huntsman, especially Anoriath had tried wooing her. It somehow had given her a feeling of safety; someone she could hold on to after she'd lost her memory. But then he'd tried to change her, to convince her that life as an animal wasn't the way she should live. One would think as a Bosmer he'd understand better, yet in the city people were becoming the same. Races became unimportant. It was the way she'd lived that divided her from others.

The Companions however, were the ones who took her under their wings, who accepted her, the way she was. Even now. No one questioned her when she'd travel Skyrim as a wolf, not returning for weeks. No, if anything, they were fascinated by her gift, for it was a very rare one in all of Tamriel. There had also been a time when Vilkas treaded very carefully around her, acting like she wasn't in her right mind.

"How can you change so willingly to something so close to a beast?" is what he'd ask. The usual "it is a curse"-sermon. But he soon realized that shapeshifting wasn't at all the same as turning into a werewolf. Her life depended on her shapeshifting, it was like drinking and eating. A basic need that needed satisfying. If a shapeshifter didn't give in to that need for some time, he or she would forget about his other form – and never be able to shift again. But it worked the other way around, too. There were many of her kind who chose the life as an animal, not wanting to put up with humans. In time everything they once were vanished. In a few cases, even their human language would be lost to them.

She looked at Vilkas again, watching him sleep like a new born pup. She felt a kind of peace radiate through her, she knew, only he could give her. Out of this feeling she took the strength to find the place in her dream. With a content sigh she left the room, walking upstairs and out of Jorrvaskr. She made her way to the Underforge, once more appreciating the fact that she could leave town this easily.

When her feet touched the ground after jumping down the exit, she'd already transformed. Nothing more than a wolf among others, claiming the tundra in the morning light.

* * *

 _AN: Because when I write, I feel like I finally belong._

 _And you?_


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